What If? - by Praise Agunna

The urge to write. It comes in unexpectedly and I just want to pick up my pen and write. I don't do pens, I do notes. Words articulated on my phone because that's what the whole generation is about now. If you're still based on the past, then it would leave you behind, everybody's walking towards the future. Nobody stops. Nobody goes back to the past and they're like, I used to enjoy this, let's do this once in a while. It's only when our phones die we remember, you know, life could be better on the other side.  And then a flick of light, we go back to our phones. This generation clouded in on our phones. But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about me.  Sometimes I wonder how life could be, how changes are made. How things grow. Sometimes I wonder, what if? What if things don't work out in the future? What if I get lost in my haze and I keep making mistakes? What if my mistakes define me? I know they say your mistakes don't define you, but just what if it actually does? What happens then? What happens to me? What if I don't make it? What will be my story? What do I say when asked why I did it, what do I explain when it all crashes down. So many thoughts clouds my head and the first alternative is to stop. What am I doing with my life? what do I want with my life?. I thought I had all these questions figured out but each day it seems I'm back to square one.  I'm back to the first line of my story, I wish I could erase my past and start new on a clean slate but I can't, the memory haunts me. The good, bad and ugly all I have seen and I have no one to blame but me. I should have tried to keep myself sheltered for a while more, I shouldn't be so trusting, I shouldn't have gone out with no one by my side.  I try to put the past behind me but mere apology doesn't erase the wrong done, mere distraction doesn't avoid the trauma. But I have no one to blame but me. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I always have to remind myself? Why can't I get what I want for once? What do I even want? What do I need? Is that why it always hurts? Is it because I think it's what I want when it's not? Why is it so hard to stop? Why does it seem like I'm getting worse? Why does avoiding only hurt?  One question breeds another, one memory breeds another, I'm tired and my head hurts and slowly my heart is failing and I fall. But what if.....

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