There are days when the only option on the table is to give up. Days where nothing makes sense. You eat till you're filled but still wallow in emptiness. Laughter is the new face of depression. If I say I've walked on water, it's because my tears overflow. I've fellowshipped with chaos so much that even calmness troubles me. What is the meaning of life? I searched for it all my life. I checked the Holy Book but was constantly discouraged by its practitioners, the sanctimonious hypocrites. Many say God did, but I say God didn't. 

But I wasn't always like this. I remember being cheerful and playful without caring for things. Perhaps I was like many children, ignorant and innocent. I thought life was a swing we had control over. Reality was far above me; it was top shelf, I guess. I hear how important it is to be saved so we can spend an eternity with our Creator. Ideologies we kill for. I hear it's blissful on the other side of life, and our melodies will be endless. We could use that on earth. A world where it's cheaper to die and expensive to live. I'm 30 and still working as a trainee. The 3rd floor does not feel like it's enTHREE level. My guy in the UK says he believes I'll scale through. Such faith feels like peer pressure. My colleague's monthly photo dump reminds me of a lifestyle I can't afford. I guess it's the kind of dump-thrash I'll like to get. One man's bucket list is another's childhood experience.

I took a pay cut that left me scared nine months later. I guess it was a miscarriage. I've seen now that the grass can be green but insufficient. What happened to me? How come, despite the floods, I still float? My mind is my life jacket. I still dream, not for a great future but for a life like that of a child. A life where currency devaluation doesn't deflate my life's fuel. Adult life is just a highway filled with debits and bills we never planned for. When I get small money, me sef go jaye o (in my mind). It's hustle over joy—the mirage and irony of balance.

Despite a plethora of overwhelming thoughts, I still have a way of fighting through them. This is because I've made peace with the fact that not everything is within my control. Also, having a good God doesn't stop bad things from happening. Before I finally get a free wooden apartment 6 feet under the ground, I will persevere and push through. If I don't make a million dollars, I will still put smiles on the faces of a million people. Maybe we aren't meant to find meaning in this life. Perhaps the next will be only fulfilling, and there'd be no LinkedIn profile in heaven. Maybe life's algorithm wasn't designed to be cracked. I hope our time eventually comes, but if it doesn't, I hope it will be said that we spent our time well. 

Still Searching......