THE REBELLION WITHIN, UNFILTERED TRUTH

I sat across from three doctors whose faces said more than their words ever could, scared to hear the news I'd been praying against for the past few months. With my hands under the table, eyes shut, heart racing, and ears straining for the words I had so dreaded, I tried to brace myself for the impact but the sound of those words still stopped my heart for a split second. Then the bomb dropped, "you have Stein-Leventhal syndrome", one of them said, PCOS. Silence. Three letters that sound almost harmless, until you have to live with them. And then the weight of it hit me. Otherwise known as Polycystic ovarian syndrome, they say this condition affects 1 in every 10 women, but until you're the one sitting in that chair, hearing your name attached to it, it's just a number. Imagine your body as a group art project in school, your ovaries and uterus and hormones are all group members and then there's this guy from another department (androgen) that was invited to observe and if necessary, make very little contribution. All of a sudden, our guest decides to take over the entire project and begins dishing out orders like he would in a science class. But because things are very much different here than how he's used to, they don't quite go all right and lead to a bunch of unwanted symptoms that can manifest in many ways, from seemingly minor things like acne, to life-changing challenges like infertility. This condition has for years been treated like a vague diagnosis- misunderstood, minimised, and underestimated. In conversations I've had about female reproductive health, I've found that many of these conditions, especially PCOS,are often overlooked and ignored. I've been told a thousand times, "eat healthy", "exercise more", "you'll be fine", but these words have turned out to be a number of failed promises. And while we'll both agree that it's not a life sentence, I and many other women live in extreme fear of it because it causes such a wild rebellion in our bodies. There are still days I wake up after 12 hours of sleep still feeling tired, or how I have to let my new clothes go barely couple of weeks after getting them, or how I have to include hair plucking in my daily routine, or wonder why my voice sounded deeper over the phone than in real life. There are still days when I'll stare at a calendar for hours, hoping for a steady cycle and praying that my chances at motherhood does not vanish before my eyes.And as I sat on that chair, listening to those doctors tell me that there was no cure, my heart sank even deeper. But over the years, I have managed to form my own personal management plan which includes letting go of a lot of things I love and accepting uncomfortable situations, I have created for my group members, a personal group chat where the intruder isn't invited in an attempt to get things running as before. But most importantly , I have come to accept this new version of me, to let go of that fear that is the price tag for my diagnosis, to ignore the terrible backlash and array of questions from society as to "why I look and act like a man."Now that you understand the syndrome, I hope you understand the reason for my anxiety. Because PCOS isn't just a condition, it's having to live in a daily quiet struggle with my body and mind. It's getting up, staying strong, and not giving up. To all warriors out there, know this, you are not broken, you are not alone, we are still standing, and that is our victory.

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