One of my favourite series on Netflix is the Good Doctor. I saw the trailer and got hooked, binging and following as I could. The lead character Dr Shaun Murphy is a most captivating genius. He tackles medical case after case with his almost magical ability to parse problems apart, even just for intrigue. Shaun is, however, less successful in navigating his social life. He fumbles over relationships - intimate and otherwise. He tells the truth at the wrong times; he doesn’t know how to lie; he is brutal in sharing information, and it’s almost cost him his job. Dr Shaun Murphy can invent a new surgical procedure to save lives in five minutes, but he would fall all over himself for an entire episode trying to figure out why he should have lunch regularly with his fiance (watch it to see how the hell he managed that).
By now, you might be tempted to think, “oh, social awkwardness in the title; Shaun Murphy. In the example, he’s probably socially awkward; I know where this is going; Shaun is socially awkward, isn’t he? Why bother reading” If you guessed Shaun was socially awkward, and I was basing all the benefits of social awkwardness on this character I fell in love with on Netflix, you would be wrong. At least in part - you would be wrong. You see, Shaun isn’t socially awkward - at least, that’s not the root cause of his troublesome behaviour. Dr Shaun Murphy is a high-performing person with autism. I thought it would be beneficial to begin by telling a bit about what social awkwardness is, and I’ve found that quite often, the best way to find out exactly what a thing is, is to be clear about what it is not.
Now, being socially awkward is not the same as being autistic. People somewhere on the autism spectrum have a medical disorder that I can’t parse here. While many of the symptoms of autism (in many patients) include poor awareness of social cues and norms, hyperfocus on more systematic thinking and specific subjects, and a few others, people with Autism also have other more severe manifestations. It can be easier to say; most autistic people are socially awkward, but not all socially awkward people are autistic.
I make this first distinction because while reading up about this, I discovered Social awkwardness is often confusing. Certain people think it’s introversion; others say it's social anxiety (this one is tricky), and others even say it’s a mental disorder - it’s not. Social awkwardness, according to Joshua Clegg of King University, is:
“the feeling we experience when we believe that our desire for being accepted by others is threatened in a given situation. This feeling incites us to turn inward, increase our self-monitoring, and attempt to behave in ways that will better our chances for acceptance.”
I assure you it’s pretty common. One in five people experience failure in navigating social situations on a regular basis. This is why it’s worth taking a look at some of the ways this state of being helps us as people. Some people are naturally more prone to social awkwardness than others; people with higher levels of introversion; autistic patients quite naturally, and people in states of social anxiety.
Firstly, Social awkwardness heightens your sense of self. No one really says, “I became self-conscious”, in a positive light. Still, on close inspection, the heightened sense of self presents socially awkward people with a chance for better reflection and makes them more sensitive to touchy social situations. Just because you can navigate them with trained ease or march right into them doesn’t make difficult social situations less difficult. With some social awkwardness, some moments that can cause irreparable damage can be approached with an extra buttress of caution.
I mentioned it while distinguishing Social awkwardness from autism; people in this boat can be blessed with more analytical thinking - OK, I said systematic, but still, it’s usually the case that this uncomfortable feeling comes with the ability to take things apart and focus more clearly on the underlying themes.
Another benefit is the gift for deeper conversations. Many social interactions are shallow. They involve a lot of simple cues and signs to keep it all trudging along. A hi-bye here, a “how’s the weather doing today” there, and it’s all smiles. If you find yourself struggling with these routines, it doesn’t mean for sure that you are unable to carry out conversations. No. Many socially awkward people thrive when the veil of small talk Is lifted. The conversations that get the meat of things, especially those topics of focus for you - things you’re passionate about. This is usually the best place for you, wallflower.
Social awkwardness can vary in severity for people, but I’ve gone about learning that it’s not a bad thing. It’s simply a disposition or feeling where the social routines are not as easy. It does come, however, with some benefits. The wallflowers, as I like to think of them now, bring a unique perspective to the world, and they are the ones I would prefer to talk to after the people who smile through questions about the weather clear out of the bar on early Saturday morning.
To round up, first of all, see the Good Doctor if you haven’t. Social awkwardness is a familiar feeling or trait, and like all the traits we evolve, it comes with uses. You might not become Shaun Murphy's level of super-powered, but that’s OK - he’s a high-functioning fictional autistic character, and maybe you’re not, but maybe like him, you share the trait of social awkwardness.