The girl at the window (part 2) - by Khadijah Mohammed

with me, I was going to have sex with Jeremy, the coolest boy in school. He asked me to take off my clothes, and I did, gladly. I thought he was sweet when he gave me fruit punch after I told him I don't drink alcohol, everything after that was blurry. I woke up but I couldn't move, I could see Jeremy naked but not on top of me, his friend Phillip was. There were other people in the room all laughing, at me. When they realised my eyes were open, Jeremy picked up a pillow and held it to my face, I couldn't breathe but I know my tears had smeared the pillow. "I guess you've never had it this good have you?" One of them said to me as he thrusted in me.. I couldn't tell who it was but I know Jeremy's voice. "How could she? Who wants to fuck a black bitch?" They all laughed but they didn't stop. When they were through, Jeremy told me to get dressed. By then the drug had weighed off. He gave me a ride home. I didn't talk to anyone that night I didn't sleep that night, all I did was cry. I was so stupid to think that he would talk to me in school on Monday, but he never did, instead, he just made fun of me whenever he had a chance, whatever, screw him. I wonder what mum is going to make for breakfast. I hope she makes pancakes, I'm really in a mood for some pancakes. I go straight to bathroom and wash for face. I head back to my room and look for my scarf. Is it just me or is it really warm? I look outside the window and I can’t see even a drop of snow. Crazy right? I've heard of global warming but not like this. I can see mum outside, there’s a moving car outside as well. We’re moving? And no one told me? Where are we going to? What about school? I know no one would miss me but I’m not ready to move, not like this. I don’t want to be the girl who left her town because her sister died. I always knew mum didn’t care about me but this was too much. I have to talk to mum. I rush downstairs yelling “mum” but she doesn’t answer me. I can see Shawn on the sofa holding his action figure. I pause for a moment, he looks so sad, I guess that’s death of Mabel and moving away from the house is too much for him. “Hey kiddo!” I say to him as I sit beside him but he doesn’t reply. “I know you are upset but I’ll talk to mum ok? I’m pretty sure that when mum sees how upset you are about moving away, she will reconsider.” But he doesn’t answer me. He just stands up and walks away. I have to talk to mum, now! I head outside and I can Bengy is there, helping mum to put some things in the car. Of course! I know he will want to act like a goody two shoes in front of mum. Benjamin and I never got along so maybe that's why I hated him so much right now, who's he's become even though I can't remember much about him. I shake the feeling away and head towards mum. She’s on her phone, texting God knows who. “Mum? Mum? I have been yelling your name from upstairs but you didn't answer me!” She doesn’t look up, she doesn't respond to me.. “Mum? I’m talking to you! Why won’t you answer me?” I'm getting upset, my tone is changing. I try to hit her phone away from her but my hands goes through the phone. “Mum?” I called out to her again but more quietly. “ What’s going on?” She looks at me, directly at me for a moment, I thought she could hear me but she walks through me. I turn around in shock, still trying to understand what’s going on. She goes to Mabel who is playing on the ground. Why is Mabel playing on the ground? Why is Mabel so grown up? She picks her up and puts her in the car. “ We're done here mum.” Bengy says to her. “Bengy? What’s going on? Why did mum walk through me?” I ask him but he doesn’t answer me. “I’m talking to you Ben!” He acts like I’m not there and walks away. “Hey Shawn! We're ready! Come out already!” Benjamin yells for Shawn. I see Shawn running out our home with his action figure in his hands. I run towards him. I’m sure he can see me. We just spoke in the living room but he walks through me and runs to the car. Something is wrong, something is really wrong! Mabel isn’t dead? Then who is? I attended her burial, i was there! I was there! I heard mum's speech on how she was a good daughter, I was there but... I didn’t see her body, I can’t remember how she died. I look down at myself and I notice that I am still wearing that black dress. Why am I wearing this damned dress? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why isn’t it snowing? What is this? Summer? It was just Winter yesterday. Why can’t anyone see me? Why can't amyone hear me? "Look at me! "I yell. "I said look at me!" I yell again, only this time, louder, I have become hysterical. I look at my family as they all enter the car and I realise what is going on. I am the one that is dead, not Mabel, just me and no one else. Why do they have to leave? Was I so horrible that they want to act like I never existed? Why did they hate me so much? I watch the men the rest of the furniture to the truck. Mum comes out of the car and lock the house. She didn’t even look sad, and it made me so mad. " How can you be fine with your daughter being dead? I ask her. I know that she can't hear me, but I had to try. I need to know that I hated her above everything. "Why mum? Why dont you love me? I ask her again. She puts a piece of paper under the door and hurries back to the car. I watch them drive away and I pray never to see them again. I go back to the house. Apparently, i don’t have to use the door. It was empty and cold and for the first time, i was alone. I see the paper she put through the door. I open it, it was mum's handwriting and it was addressed to me. To Elizabeth Hey Baby! I know it has just been three years since you passed away but it feels just like yesterday. Everyday, i can feel you everywhere. It’s like you aren’t really gone. My therapist said leaving letters like this all around the house like you did when you were little would help me come out of the shock but I don’t know if it’s working, I’m already use to it. I can't stop myself . I don’t think I will ever get used to the fact that you are gone. You left us when you were 15, my precious baby girl. By now, you would be graduating from high school and preparing to go to college. Bengy is already preparing for his finals at his college and Shawn getting really good at soccer, Mabel is a late bloomer but she will get there. She's more like you, strong, fierce and independent. I wish you could see her grow. We are leaving because actually, i don’t think staying here is helping anyone. We need to start afresh. I need you to know that we never stopped thinking about you not one day, ever. I never did, I have always loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I told you this more often, I wish I was there more often, maybe you would have stayed at least for me, goodbye my angel. Love mum. I held that piece of paper to my heart as I fell to the ground and for the first time, I cried not because I was sad, but because I knew someone loved me back.

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