I'm Not Okay, Just Quiet About It.

For the past few months, I haven’t felt like myself.Or maybe the truth is… I don’t even know who “myself” is anymore.Life has a funny way of just throwing you into the world without a manual. Our parents don’t really sit us down and explain the weight of things—the disappointments, the confusion, the phases you go through that you can’t even explain. They just raise you, and one day, you’re out here… figuring everything out on your own.And I think that’s where I am now. Earlier this year, I had plans. Real plans. I told myself, this is the year I try. I wanted to start a business. I had been saving up since last year—something that is not easy for me, because I know I can be very extravagant with money. But I tried. I disciplined myself. I stayed consistent.Then on February 18th, I got scammed.Just like that.The money I worked so hard to save—gone. The plans I carefully put together—scattered.That day, I broke down. I cried. I questioned everything. And yes, I moved on… at least on the surface. I’m the kind of person who moves on quickly. But moving on doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I forgot. Because I didn’t. I still haven’t.What hurts the most now is the reminder—I’m still paying off the loan I took to complete that money. Every time I think about it, it reopens everything.So now I’m here… stuck between who I thought I would be and who I’m becoming. I look around and see people my age doing something with their lives. Not perfect, not big, but something. And I ask myself: What am I doing?Am I meant for business?Am I a 9–5 kind of person? Or am I just someone who is good at starting things but not continuing them? I’ve always been drawn to creative things—crocheting, beading, baking, tailoring. I love creating. I love expressing. Recently, I tried going into perfume sales. It’s something I genuinely like. I set up a page, created a logo, started everything…But I’m already struggling to keep up.And that scares me.Because it feels like a pattern. I loved crocheting until I turned it into a business. Then it became pressure. It became a burden. I lost the joy in it.So now I’m asking myself the question I’ve been avoiding: Can I actually handle entrepreneurship? Or am I forcing something that isn’t me? Right now, I feel confused. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m meant to be doing more, to be leveling up, but I don’t have the capacity for it. And the craziest part?I still show up smiling.I still laugh. I still look okay on the outside.And that’s the dangerous part.Because people see you and assume you’re fine. They tell you, “You’ll be okay.” They say, “But you look alright.”And you just nod… because how do you even begin to explain that you’re not? That sometimes, the happiest-looking people are carrying the heaviest things? That just because I don’t show my sadness doesn’t mean it isn’t there? I don’t have everything figured out.Actually… I don’t have anything figured out.I'm confused. Trying. Tired. Hopeful… I guess.

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