"If They Wanted To They Would"

It's something I used to say and believe also. Like it was an answer to every expectation cut short, every unseen or unreplied message, every half love expressed.Maybe it's because of the Way it was presented.But love isn't perfect and people are human. Maybe they wanted to but couldn't.Maybe they wanted to but pride crossed in along the line.Because maybe they still do, but desire doesn't always breed action. Not because it isn't real, but because it's not always easy as said. There were times I wanted to love right but couldn't. Not because I didn't want to but fear crossed along the line. Chance wasn't given to me enough, to love or express how much I felt towards them. There were times I wanted to leave, walk away. But I put their feelings first and forgot about mine. I was too scared to leave them.There were times I wanted to leave, but I lost my self esteem before meeting them, so they felt like the substance that was supposed to make me feel seen. I've had a toxic friendship that held me down for years. Anybody I tell would say the same thing " you should have left if you wanted to". No!!I wanted to but I didn't know myself well enough then. I thought I couldn't do life at that particular place, without that one friend. We always had issues. We'll quarrel continuously. Sometimes 15 times In a week ( no exaggerations). But I still held on. Trust me I wanted to leave, I wanted to break the friendship. Because of course no one was holding me. But i didn't know enough then. I thought we could work every issue out. I thought naive. And I don't regret it. Because it only made me better. Sometimes people want to show up, but their legs are shaking.Sometimes they want to choose you but they choose themselves first.Mental exhaustion gets in the way, past traumas and their self- hate. "If they wanted to" maybe the world didn't give them the chance. Sometimes wanting isn't audible, it fears and it leaves. We are all living life for the first time.I've never been this age before. We make mistakes and we pause.It's easier to believe that they didn't care, they didn't want to and they never meant it. But sometimes, somethings aren't loud 🔊. They were situations I wanted to express my feelings to my male friends so bad..... but I didn't. Not because they weren't good enough, but my standards shut me up real quick. I wanted to be close to God some years back, but I was still holding unto things that didn't allow me in some ways, even though I wanted to unhold them.I only needed time. And with time now; I'm better with God. So let's scrape that phrase out.They wanted to, but situations, things, time, past traumas, failures, PTSD, challenges and many more held them back. And sometimes...... that is all there is to it!.

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