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78
Dear Mr. Cloud,
<p>Dear Mr. Cloud,</p><p><br/></p><p>I don’t know what I want to do with my life. </p><p>It’s not that I want to live it recklessly, </p><p>But ambition?</p><p>What is that?</p><p><br/></p><p>What do I feel now? </p><p>Apathy? </p><p>Not even that. </p><p>It’s not that I’m feeling unmotivated— </p><p>I just don’t feel anything at all.</p><p><br/></p><p>Sometimes I regret. </p><p>A lot of times. </p><p>I once even regretted breathing. </p><p>But at least I got past that.</p><p><br/></p><p>I’m bored. </p><p>So bored with life </p><p>I threw myself into something difficult</p><p>hoping it would make me feel alive.”</p><p>Peace, maybe. </p><p>It didn’t work.</p><p><br/></p><p>I’m average. </p><p>Not failing. </p><p>Not excelling. </p><p>Just… average. </p><p>And I wouldn’t say I’m having fun.</p><p><br/></p><p>I started connecting with people again, </p><p>But was that really what I needed?</p><p><br/></p><p>I try hard. </p><p>But I’m still average. </p><p>Guess I was born that way.</p><p><br/></p><p>Why do I always want to be special? </p><p>Maybe because I never was. </p><p>Maybe because I wanted to be special to someone. </p><p>Just once.</p><p><br/></p><p>Maybe that’s why I have a bad history with people I called friends. </p><p>Was I too desperate? </p><p>Too scared?</p><p><br/></p><p>When we slowly parted ways, </p><p>What did i feel?</p><p>I wasn't depressed. </p><p>But rather empty. </p><p>The peaceful kind.</p><p><br/></p><p>Why do I hate being average so much? </p><p>Because everyone around me isn’t. </p><p>They have ambition. </p><p>They have something that makes them stand out.</p><p><br/></p><p>So what do I do? </p><p>I tell sad stories with a smile </p><p>So they’ll find me interesting. </p><p>I learned to stay quiet sometimes</p><p>Because I’m scared of every word I want to say.</p><p><br/></p><p>i have been labelled emo once. </p><p>Not sure if he remembers. </p><p>But what do I do?</p><p><br/></p><p>Whether I’m emo, depressed, spoiled, or annoying— </p><p>I just didn't want to be remembered. </p><p>As someone. </p><p>Just someone.</p><p><br/></p><p>I wanted to be as special as him. </p><p>As all of them. </p><p>With their weird hobbies, </p><p>Their talents, </p><p>Their beautiful desires, </p><p>Their ambition.</p><p><br/></p><p>That stupid friend of mine— </p><p>The one who made me self-conscious. </p><p>If I dug a well for myself, </p><p>He was the one that made me realize,</p><p><span style="background-color: transparent;">But I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that.</span></p><p><br/></p><p>I know the people around me </p><p>Are all capable of becoming someone greater. </p><p>So do I just watch, </p><p>Since I’m not?</p><p><br/></p><p>Mr. Cloud… </p><p>Am I really so special to you </p><p>If no one else-including myself—sees me as something I’m not?</p><p><br/></p><p>But deep down I know I am,</p><p>And that's what makes life worth living</p><p>- <em>Psalm 139:14 – “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” </em></p><p><br/></p><p><br/></p><p><br/></p>
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