TwoCents | DEAD BEN: LETTERS TO THE LIVING

If anyone could lighten up a room, it was Ben. His simplicity was to a fault, as many thought. He was everyone's therapist. I think many people loved him because of how he made them feel; he had his way with words and could summon hope from thin air. There was just something magical about Ben, dear Ben. It's safe to say everyone loved Ben. Ben was that friend that would show up at everyone's Birthday with a gift; he'd check up on everyone and send you the sweetest of notes. Ben was everything to everyone. That's why the news of his death broke our hearts. What made things worse was how he died. "Bennnnn, our Ben, it's not possible." Those were my exact words when I was told Ben had taken his life. I felt choked up, and it was like my rock just shattered. His suicide note was trending on Twitter for several days. It made us, his close friends, think the worst of ourselves. But Ben saw this coming, and he told us the Blue Bird doesn't see us for who we are, so ignore them. Even in death, he gave us comfort. Only Ben could make a suicide note sound funny. Yet we cried because we knew we had failed him. Sometimes our heroes need more than capes. Could it be that even in our midst, Ben's closet was his only fan? I've spent the better part of my life living for others; perhaps people will build me a statue when I'm gone, but I haven't felt the light they say I bring to the room. Is living for others a selfish act? How come I felt empty even when I was tagged "the therapist"? My closet was my cathedral of solace. It was where my brokenness was most evident. I sought meaning within but was without, an empty but heavy vessel. I was the light guiding others out of their tunnels, but I was a shadow within myself. How come no one saw me? Was I pretending all along? Did the joy I brought overshadow my sadness? Was I ever light or a brighter shade of darkness? This will hurt most of you, but I guess it's my only way out. And no, I'm no coward; in life I sought to live but didn't; perhaps in death I will find life. If we ever meet again, remember that I tried; remember our journeys and our failures. Remember what I was to you; ignore the Blue Bird, where I lived daily; it's the judge that needs no evidence. There are others like me out there, Ben's, who are still searching, light bearers in these dark Silos. When you find them, share your light, and remember that to love is to risk heartbreak. Today I choose me, so don't cry or I'll come back and smack you. Don't waste your tears on me; use them to water your gardens. It's funny how I won't be around to watch my first tweet trend. Thousands will follow me after I'm gone. This isn't my entire suicide note. You should know that I love a good series. So yeah, things will unfold, and you'll hear more from me in the coming days. For those of you who think I'm dead, I'll say this: By all means, Try to live. I am not dead, lol. BRB Smiles, Dead Ben

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