CHOOSING ME - by My Words Unsaid

I'm tired of shrinking myself so smallOf biting my tongue until it bleeds insideOf catching myself before I trip and fallOf drowning in the parts of me I hide Of writing scripts for him against my wallI've memorized the way he looks awayThe silence that he gives instead of wordsI've learned to read the things he doesn't say To translate all his absences, his blursTo keep on loving him through the decayA part of me believes I need the painThat suffering is proof that I'm alive today That blood beneath my skin is like the rainThat only through the wounds do I surviveThat scars are just the price I must sustainBut God, I'm exhausted from this endless drive From watching every word before it leavesFrom dimming down my fire, my burning lightFrom all the ways I've practiced to deceiveMyself into believing this is right I've said goodbye a thousand different waysIn whispers underneath my trembling breathIn journals filled with all my numbered daysIn dreams where I rehearse my own small death In silence that extends for weeks, for daysAnd maybe this time will be different stillOr maybe I'll return like I have doneBut something in me breaks against my will Something in me knows that I should runSomething in me climbs the steepest hillI wonder if he'll notice when I'm goneIf absence makes a dent inside his world Or if he'll simply carry on and onWhile I'm out here becoming unfurledWhile I'm out here becoming my own dawnI really want to choose myself this time I really want to mean the words I speakI really want to know that I'm not crimeThat wanting more doesn't make me weak That leaving him is not a shameful crimeI know it's easier to say than doTo pack my heart and walk out through the doorTo start again when everything feels new To build myself from nothing, from the floorTo be the only one who sees me throughThis hurts in ways I didn't think it couldLike peeling off my skin to find what's real Like questioning if pain means something goodLike learning not to love the way I feelLike leaving home, like leaving childhoodI laugh sometimes at how pathetic this seems At how I've become my own worst enemyAt all my grand escape plans, my big dreamsAt how I cage myself then want the key At how I live inside these broken schemesI'm angry at the time I gave awayAt all the versions of myself I killedAt how I learned to shrink throughout the day At every instinct that I never filledAt how I let my colors turn to grayI'm tired of the performance, of the showOf being pleasant when I want to scream Of acting like I don't already knowThat this love is thinner than it seemsThat I've been dying in the undertowThere's something sacred in this kind of grief In mourning someone standing right beside youIn finding that your absence brings reliefIn knowing that the hardest part is how you Must become your own savior, your own chiefI'm scared of who I'll be without this weightWithout the constant calculations, mathWithout the eggshells and the twist of fate Without his validation, his aftermathWithout the fear that I'm arriving lateBut there's a whisper growing louder nowA voice that says I'm worthy of the space That I don't need permission to allowMyself to take up room, to find my placeThat I can write my ending, I know howI'm choosing me, whatever that will mean I'm choosing peace over this painful knownI'm choosing to become what I've not beenI'm choosing to believe I'm not alone I'm choosing to step into the unseenThis might be the last time that I stayThis might be when I finally let him goThis might be my beginning, my new day This might be how I finally learn to knowThat loving me is not a price to payAnd maybe he won't notice, maybe notBut I will feel the difference in my bones I'll know the freedom that my silence boughtI'll hear my voice in all its different tonesI'll tend the garden that I've left to rotSo here I am, still wavering, still torn Between the comfort of familiar painAnd the terrifying place where I'm rebornWhere I must be the sunshine and the rain Where I become the girl I should have mournedI choose me now, trembling and afraid and wholeNot because it's easy but because I must surviveNot because I'm certain but because I've sold my soul For far too long to someone who won't help me feel aliveAnd today I'm digging up the parts of me I stole

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