Burning the Script

<h4>This script gets frustrating real fast</h4> Meet someone newFind them fascinatingGet scared of losing them Cue the clutched chest, heart racing, deep breath moments where I’m staring at my phone screen, refreshing their contact pageSecond after secondMinute after minute The one I loveThe one that loves meThe one that I can barely remember why they’re in my lifeIt always gets to that point where I’m scared of losing them. Sometimes I double down and let myself get overwhelmed by everything I’m feelingSometimes I just stay away to avoid building castles on shifting sands. The cycle’s here and it’s like fuck me, not this again, We barely got through the last one and that wasn’t even up to 6 months ago. The Pattern You’d think repetition would make it easier, that the tenth time would sting less than the first. But it hurts each time…Every time. The hurt doesn’t resolve. It doesn’t finish. Feelings don’t work that way, they don’t have neat endings where you process them enough and then they’re gone forever. But I’ve been treating them like they should…Like if I just ignore them long enough, avoid them skillfully enough, they’ll fade on their own. Instead, I’ve just been carrying them forward, every unresolved fear, every unanswered question, every ache I pretended wasn’t there. So when I meet someone new, I’m not really starting freshI’m bringing every unresolved fear, every old wound, every ghost of the last person who left or faded or hurt meAnd the new person… they don’t stand a chance. They’re walking into a story that’s already half-written, trying to play a part in a script they never auditioned for. The watchfulness kicks in before they’ve even done anything wrongMy body remembers what my mind tries to forgetThe chest tightening. The obsessive phone checking. The mental gymnastics of reading into every delayed text, every shift in tone, every moment of silence. I’m not responding to them…I’m responding to everyone who came before themAnd that’s exhaustingFor meProbably for them too. <h3>What I Keep Choosing Instead of Myself</h3>I don’t even want to be avoidant this time around, I miss being vulnerable and open I miss being in love with someone so deeply that I’m drunk on their emotionsI miss escaping into the laughter and joy of another. But here’s what I’m finally admitting: I miss those things because they let me disappearBeing drunk on someone else’s emotions means I don’t have to feel my ownEscaping into their joy means I don’t have to create my ownLosing myself in them feels like relief because being with myself has felt like too much.And that worked, for a whileEach time. Until it didn’tBecause I’m tired of losing myself in other people.Not tired of connection, I still want that. Not tired of love, I still crave that. But tired of the version where I dissolveWhere I become a mirror for someone else’s feelings and forget I have my ownWhere I’m so hypervigilant about keeping them that I never ask if I’m keeping myself. <h3>The Turn I’m Trying to Make</h3>No, I want to get lost in myself this time around.Not lost as in disappeared…Lost as in exploringWanderingGetting curious about my own landscape the way I get curious about other people’sLearning what I feel when I’m not borrowing someone else’s emotionsDiscovering what brings me joy when I’m not escaping into someone else’s laughter.I want to know myself well enough that when that old alarm system kicks in (and it will, because trauma doesn’t just evaporate when you decide you’re done with it ) I can recognize it for what it isNot truthNot prophecyJust an old alarm system going off because it’s trying to protect me from a hurt that might not even be coming.I can’t control the panic, I can’t just decide not to feel the clutched chest or the racing thoughts or the compulsive checkingMy nervous system learned those responses for a reason, and unlearning them isn’t a choice I can make with willpower aloneBut maybe I can learn to notice itTo sit with it without letting it drive the car. To say, “Okay, I’m scared right now. This is what fear feels like in my body. But this person isn’t the last person. This moment isn’t that moment. I can be scared and still stay present.” <h4>What I Actually Want</h4>I don’t want to stop falling in love.I don’t want to build walls so high that no one can reach me, I don’t want to become so self-sufficient that I never need anyoneI want to be genuinely in love - with myself and another person. Both. At the same time. Without one erasing the otherI want to be vulnerable without disappearing. Open without losing my boundaries. Deeply connected without forgetting where I end and they begin.I want to bring my whole self to love -including the hurt, including the hypervigilance, including the fear- and trust that the right person won’t need me to be perfect or painless. They’ll just need me to be honest about what I’m carrying and willing to work through it instead of running from it.I want to stop treating every new person like they’re on trial for crimes committed by everyone who came before them.I want to let the past actually be past instead of dragging it into every present moment. <h4>The Script I’m Writing Instead</h4>So here’s what I’m trying, even though I don’t know if it’ll work:I’m going to let myself feel the hurt when it comesNot run from itNot numb itNot immediately look for the next person to distract me from itJust feel it, let it move through me, let it resolve. I’m going to get curious about myself the way I get curious about people I’m falling forWhat do I like? What do I want? What do I feel when no one else is in the room? I’m going to notice the fear response when it shows up and try, just try, not to let it make all my decisions for me. And when I do meet someone new, when I do find them fascinating, when I do start to fall, I’m going to try to stayNot just with them, with myself tooPresent. Grounded. Aware that I’m scared without letting the fear write the whole story.The cycle’s here, It might always be here in some formBut maybe this time, I don’t have to perform the same script. Maybe I can improvise Make different choicesSee what happens when I don’t disappear into someone else or run from my own feelings.Maybe I can finally write an ending where I don’t lose myself.Or better yet, a beginning where I never had to.

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